Disappear?

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Ever get the urge to run away, disappear and start over again?

It sneaks up on  me from time to time. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy enough with my life but occasionally my tiny mind prompts me to just run away.  That little voice whispers “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, it was supposed to be glamorous and fun, not normal and dull.  Let’s just jump on a plane and go, tell no one.”

I fantasise about being the exotic mysterious person swanning about NYC or Europe freelancing in whatever it is I’m doing in this made up life, never being pinned down to reality and responsibility.

I even think about how I’d let the people I care about know that I was still alive without giving my whereabouts* away .  I don’t let the mundane issues of having a husband, cats, friends, bank accounts and earning actual money get in the way of these plans; glamorous people just have stuff come to them and they get invited to interesting exclusive events every night of the week right???  😉

I generally shut that little voice up with something expensive or with booze.  Neither of these are a great option, I get that.  I do know that I can spice up my life, but I also wonder how stopping off at a new shopping centre or trying a new way home from work became an exciting thing to do, I’m sure I’m not that person.

So is it just me that wonders how life got dull and normal that has this urge to run or do we all suffer from slight delusions of interestingness occasionally?

*Super Sammie, you ever get an unsigned post card from Guggenheim, I’ve gone rouge, tell the others I’m fine!

Crossed Wires

 

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I’ve offended someone, didn’t mean to, but I have and I’ve decided that I don’t care!  That’s a bit of a breakthrough for me, normally I would.  Here’s how it all unfolded…

Friday night I headed off to dinner with Super Sammie and a friend of hers that I’ve never met, let’s call her Jane.  Jane seemed nice enough and it turns out she spent a lot of her younger life in the same area as me.  We didn’t know each other, but we know the same people.

Normally around new people I’m pretty quiet, I let others do the talking and rarely share. Yes, I have trust issues, especially around people that have a connection to the place that I deliberately left behind and distanced myself from.   However with just the three of us there was nowhere to hide.  So after a while I shared that I’ve been reading some blogs, Mummy was a Secret Drinker in particular (if you haven’t read Sober Mummy’s blog, please do, she’s funny and engaging).  I know I’ve shared this with you dear readers, but I’ve never actually admitted it IRL before.

I’ve been concerned for a while that I have the capacity to develop a problem with alcohol and even mentioning out aloud that I’m interested in this space is pretty big for me.  That probably says more about me right?

Anyway, a nice dinner ended (Lickerish, check it out Adelaide people) and farewells were exchanged.

Monday morning I boot up the PC to find a brand new shiny blog from Sober Mummy, which was nice, she doesn’t post as often as she used to (yeah, yeah, I know, people with semi abandoned blogs shouldn’t throw verbs or nouns or whatever – I can never work out which is which).

So without thinking too much about it I shot of a quick Facebook message to Super Sammie and Jane saying “Hey ladies, this is the blog I was talking about”.    Almost immediately I get a message back from Jane, curtly asking why I’d felt the need to send this to her.    Clearly I’d offended her, so I clarified that it was just that we’d been talking about it and I thought it was good blog and that it had been nice to meet her on Friday.  I’d hoped this would calm the situation.  Instead, Jane accused me of not being truthful!

(I can only imagine her reaction if I’d sent her my other fav blog Mr Money Moustache! )

Great, just what I need to start my day.  My first instinct was to defend myself, but that sixth sense that tells you more information will only make it worse kicked in.  So I acknowledged her feelings (they are hers, she has every right to have them) and let her know I didn’t mean to offend and I’ve left it at that.

I wish Jane nothing but good things in her life but I’m not sure I want to see her again.  I hope that Super Sammie isn’t being dragged into a drama that isn’t of her making. That is the last thing I want.

Initially I was really upset by this.  I open myself up and am immediately rejected.  However as you can tell from my opening line, I’ve moved on from that to pissy.  I’m sure I’ll calm down and get to acceptance at some point, but at the moment it’s a bit raw.

What I’ll do about the rest of what I’ve mentioned above I’m still not sure.  I think I’m ok.  Speaking of ok, I do have some other blogs half written and I promise to be here more often.

Be kind to yourselves good internet peeps.

Me, neurotic, who said?

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5 am is a weird time.  It’s too early to get up and do something but too late to go back to sleep before the alarm goes off.  So I lay there and think of all the little ways my life is not what I thought it would be.  Everyone does this right?  Oh, just me, hmmm.

I’ve got this overwhelming feeling that I’m a fraud, that I’m not good at my job and something about 5 am amplifies every little mistake to huge proportions and I worry that I’m about to be found out and will have to go back to selling shoes.  Does anyone else get this?

I wonder what happened to that girl who used to float through life with no worries, money sure as hell never bothered me – if you don’t have something it can’t be a problem right?  My biggest problem in the late 80’s was which club to go to first and if I could snag a free car park so I’d have $6 left to buy a Coke while I was out.  Now I’m staring at the ceiling worrying if Crazy Cat Boy will like the sandwich I’ve planned for his lunch tomorrow and how much the replacement vacuum cleaner head is going to cost* and if the Greenback will go up against the Aussie dollar. WTF!  I know it’s an odd collection of things to worry about, but it’s very noisy inside my head sometimes.

So this morning as I’m lying in the dark having my very own pity party Monty cat discovered that I was awake (he was on one of his periodic stomp bys that he carries out during the night hours).

I was so, he happily snuggled down for a pat. While he was making his little happy whistle purrs in my ear I wondered what I’d been worried about.  What right did I have to feel sorry for myself when I was in my warm comfortable bed with food in the fridge, a safe place to sleep and some furry creature who clearly thinks I’m ok.  So many people around the world don’t have that option for whatever reason.

Now in the cold (and boy do I mean cold today) light of day all the problems I was stressing over have melted away… kind of like the point of this blog post; sorry about that it was super clear what I wanted to say around 5.15 am.

I won’t take up any more of your time, except to say embrace the little things in your life that are positive and ignore the negative, for the most part I’m willing to bet that the former outweigh the latter.

 

*Almost  as much as a brand new vacuum it turns out, damn it!

Winter Is Upon Us

gotI thought the manoeuvring and strategy around the Iron Throne was extreme but that has nothing on this week at my clients!

Talk about cut throat. We’ve had it all: lies, betrayal, manipulation and the deposing of a King resulting in an empty throne.  The only thing missing has been a poisoning, but we haven’t had Christmas drinks yet, so it’s not too late.

We now have a number of claimants scrambling desperately to fill the power vacuum!

Unlikely alliances are being forged in the dark water cooler corners of the castle, potential raiders are skulking around the walls trying to find weaknesses to exploit using end of year phone calls to probe for intel.  The main plot characters are reminding old friends of long spoken promises of support and posturing with loud public hearty handshaking and holiday greetings in full view of all the offices. Aged advisers* look sombre and concerned as they enter closed door meetings and banner men are being rallied via email and text.

The troops are faithful but rattled as uncertainty on who will take the throne runs rampant.  Will it be a mad king who will destroy the old ways or will a noble leader arise and bring new glory to the realm/department?  Only time will tell.

This warrior consultant will remember her oath to protect the client made when she took the black and strategically retreat to the wall to defend it against those who would destroy our way of life…. I hope that the light I can see coming isn’t dragon fire and that the winter is a short one!

Wish me luck; it’s going to be a long six months……

*Mostly Fiance people** it must be said. They look worried a lot, so it’s kind of hard to judge how concerned they really are.

**A joke I promise, I love all you Fiance peeps, you know just how to advise me to get around the budget when I need to.. Much love 😉

I Got It Right A 14

IMG_0107I’ve just come back from a week in my old home State where I’ve been catching up with old school mates, bio family and my “real” family and I’ve come to a realisation;  14 year old me made the right decision to leave where I grew up as soon as I could.

The week started simply enough, get on plane, light hearted Facebook banter with everyone I’m planning to see along the way, jump in hire car and take off for the country where the school mates and bio family are.

That’s where it got weird and I feel a bit conflicted about it, but strangely I’m not surprised.  You’d think after not seeing someone for 25 or so years you might ask them a bit about what they’ve been doing:  I sure did.  I wanted to know how ever one is; what they were doing and if they were happy (for the most part they are, which is great).  I listened to all the life journeys and caught up on the local gossip.  However I can safely say that not one person could tell you a thing about my life apart from where I live.

Now I understand that I’m not a sharer, never have been as my dear friend Super Sammie pointed out.   I know I never really fitted in there, but am I really so dull that they couldn’t ask a couple of questions?  Even my bio family don’t know what I do, mum asked me the name of the company I work for, I’ve only been there 8 years and it’s printed at the end of every email I send.  Sigh.

While it was great to see them and visit some old haunts, I couldn’t wait to get back to my real family;  Supper Sammie, Chatty Michelle and Diehard Di so I could relax and be myself again before I returned home to Crazy Cat Boy and the furry ones.

The moral of this story is ignore those people who tell you that you are too young to make important life decisions, sometimes regardless of your age you know what is right for you.

PS: Do you remember my cherry excitement, well it’s all gone pear shaped, birds ate them while I was away.  I’m devastated.   On the up side while I’ve been Instagraming their progress a local cherry grower has started following me, I’m going to buy some from them instead!

Opening Up IRL – Why Is it So Hard?

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Yesterday I had my first honest conversation with a friend of nearly 30 years about how I feel, even then I only skimmed the surface. See, I learnt early on in life to keep my real thoughts and personality to myself.

Why? I was one of those kids who never fitted in. Not with my family; they’re nice, but they don’t get me. Not at school either, so I was bullied constantly.

Once school was done I packed up and never looked back. In a new city I cultivated an image of perfection; the right hair, clothes and clubs, I never said a bad word and kept my opinions to myself. This worked and I found friends and a great job. Clearly being perfect was the only way people could like me. Being anything but perfect caused problems and scared off guys, so the wall never came down.

Problem is, perfect me attracted and married Crazy Cat Boy. Over the past 20 years I’ve slowly “changed” so that I can be more me.  The reality was that I was just too different to the person he thought he was getting involved with.

One real life friend, Kooky Canberra Girl, knows more about me than most. I can tell her pretty much anything and she won’t freak out, but that’s about it.

It wasn’t until I became involved in forums around ten years ago that I found a place where I could be real. Suddenly I was free to be me and people didn’t seem to run away. A whole world of sharing opened up. Being able to express myself openly (and anonymously) online has helped me be more at peace with myself and come to terms with who I actually am and what I want from life. I’d been living the facade for so long I’d lost who I was.

As a people person the irony of a bunch of people on the internet knowing more about me than the guy who shares my bed or my best friends is not lost on me. As a marketer I’m intrigued by my own behaviour.

I am (on the surface) a pretty confident person, and I’ll back myself to come out on top in most situations. So why is it so hard to open up IRL? Fear, insecurity? I’m not sure. It’s not that I think my friends will run away or CCB will bail. I’m just worried that I’ll have to be open all the time and I’m not comfortable with that, it scares me, I’d have to think about things I don’t want to face. So for now I’ll just be me on the Internet, as long as you don’t tell anyone, it’s our secret right?